Isn't it?

This will be my last post on here. I am getting a new blog. I feel I've out grown this one I suppose. I love you all, when I have the new blog, I'll post the link, but this is really all of it.

Isn't it incredible
how you make me cry?
I don't love you like I did before

Isn't it spectaular
The days we spend
I don't know who you are anymore

Isn't it terrifying
When I read your mind
I know where to touch to make you tick
I don't like your games anymore

Isn't it everything you ever wanted
Everything we asked for

But you can't take it back

All the lies and decet
Games that you played
Hearts that we hurt

You cant make my scars dissapear

When I don't look in your eyes

Isn't this
Just it?

Everything that we asked for
In out little lives
All the make up and clothes
the boys and the funtimes

We never thought that it would hurt

I never thought I'd lose your soul

Isn't it incredible
I don't know you face
Who is that girl walkin down the street

Isn't it spectaular
We thought it was fate
You can make your own destiny

Isn't it terrifying
I can't see my scars anymore
I know she was here, but her names been erased by healing

Safety

Safety
You don't realize the price of it.
Not until you don't have it
You don't realize how much you need it
A space that's safe
A space that's calm
A space where you can cry
Where you can scream.
Where you can be free.
From the traps that lay in hiding in daily patterns.
You don't realize how much it hurts.
When you don't have a place to run to
To feel the pain.
Because your not safe.

Strings

They strangled me with string.

It was as easy as it seems

They tied me down to people

    They tied themselves to me

I sealed the knots myself

In the dead of night they came

    Pulling as lightly as they could

The laces of their strings

Laced with bared wire

Cutting into me

They all pulled away.

My arms

My legs

My hips

My heart

They'd all been anchored somewhere

Their strings held on with hooks

Digging in my skin

When they pulled away

They became to crawl within.

Every beat that passed

my heart felt missing

Every lifted foot step

fell short a mile of it's distance

An arm that never lifted

replaced with bricks

A hip moved around to dance

felt broken and out of place.

They crawled within, and broke me down

It was only the beginning.

My walls went under fire.

With whispers of desire.

With whims dangled in the air.

With thoughts one shouldn't dare.

Effective was the strategy.

All out of place.

All out of sorts.

My eyes rolled back.

My heart on leave.

My soul broken.

One tug was all it took.

The one with the deepest hook.
I gripped it with my hands.

I grabbed it with my nails

I groveled at it's demands.

Faint strips of blood came at first.

Like a prick on my skin,

and then a bubble.

Till lines appeared, from a hook,

The one that sunk me. 

Every grovel was to much to bare.

The hook sank in deeper,

Until to pull it out, was to bleed more.
I never learned to stop.

Not even as a child.

Not as an adult.

Why should I start now?

My mouth opened,

A dagger fell from my mouth

To the hook.

I killed the hook.

But the dagger worked on me as well.

All the strings combined,

Thick as vines

Red.

Wrapped themselves around

And Around

And Around.

Till suffocation

Asphyxiation.

My dearest, is not mine.

This goes out too a missing piece of my soul. To a girl I love. I hope she knows how beautiful she is. Even if she's strange. It's what I love about her.

My Dearest,
    You are no blood kin of mine
        No blood runs threw our veins the same.        
            No family entwines us like binds
                No way are you blood.
    You are no friend of mine
        No eyes I know
            No laugh that lifts my heart
                No where in space in time
    You are a nothing
        You are locked in a screen
            Your face is never seen
                Your voice is but a dream
    Yet I hear you scream.
    Yet I know your there.
    Yet I want you to know I care.
        You are no family of mine.
        You are no friend of mine.
        You are no life laid out next to mine.
    Yet our hearts seem intertwined.
    Yet my soul cries threw your eyes.
        You are nothing to me.
        Because you are me.
            You are a skin living in my heart.
            You are an illusion I fear of madness
        Yet I embrace you.
            I wish to take you from the dark.
            I wish to hold you back from those ghost in your eyes.
            The ones hiding in your words
                The monsters crawling in your skin.
    You are no friend of mine.
        But you are mine.
I feel as if I've known you always.
    When I feel, it's like you know.
        You are my desires screaming inside my head.
            Brought into the light, by you.
    You make me feel crazy.
        You make me feel safe.
            You make me feel alive.
    There is no conclusion to this mystery.
        Because it only goes on.
    Just know...
        You maybe no blood of mine.
        You maybe no friend of mine.
            But I am here when you need me.

-end
Dearest, one can only hope when you read this. You will know who you are, to me and to the world. I feel like I day dream in this skin, but your who I'm meant to be. You speak the words I wont, and live threw my demons with me. I hope you know I love you Seren. :)

so yeah

I stopped being in choir a few months back, and now it's killing me. I can't believe I did such a thing. I've been in choir for nearly 10 years, and being the theater helped mask the pain. When that faded though, and I had no use for my loud voice, I stopped using it. Now I'm trying to work it back to being as loud as I can.

Locked in a box
trapped by chains and swallowed in the dark
I can't even find the air to take a breath
A breath could save my life
I'd die if I could feel that release
The pressure off on, my chest flo lifted
The cold intake of the night air
Swallowed in my burning lungs
The ones that want to scream, to breath, to sing
It's been so long since I've taken a real breah
One that goes down to my hips
That comes out a moment long, and oh so srong
I know if I could find the strength
Somewhere inside to breath and sing
Than I would be free from the dark
I would be free and I would sing.

Listen

Play me those chords
The ones that sound so sweet to my ear
The ones that draw tears
Play me those notes
That dance on the stars
The ones that can't be held back by hate and lies
Play for me the songs that sing in your heart
Connect them with the keys
Push them the right way I know you can
Play their buttons
Please I beg you,
Play their buttons make them do as you will
Show me it's not just me,
Who bends to your touch
Show me something more
Than this feeling, that I'm just like a song
Tell me I'm more than the echo of my heart beat
More than the scream as more chords are pushed
I loved your music
I loved your sound
I loved that melody, and the rhythm
I adored everything that spoke, of the music in my heart
The music that soared across miles and miles and wires and wires
That flowed into my ears
Now every press every chords a pain
Everyone of them
Breaks off a new little chunk of my heart
Everyone of them is a pain and a tare into my skin
Everyone one of them, is echoed with the sound of the my tears slipping out
Play me the music that makes me dance,
Play me the song that makes me scream,
That makes me smile
So I can feel something new please,
So that I don't die.
This goodbye, isn't one I can handle
I'm wrapped around the piano, my soul held in it's heart
Playing it plays me, but you knew that when I told you my dreams didn't you/
It plays me, when you touch it, but I can't have that.
So to stop my soul, I tell you good bye, and walk away.
Step away from the piano, and feel pain with every step I take
A chord with every word,
Because I'll walk away from this, and you, as you did from me
But the imprint is lasting, and I'll think of it with every step I take.
---------------------------------------------------------

Play me a tune, that rings in my ears.
That hums threw my bones and sinks into my teeth
Play me the tune that sounds like a sigh
Play me the tune that draws tears to my eyes.
Build me a song, built from chords and tunes.
Notes that can dance, like the stars and the moon.
Play me a song that holds no lies.
Play for me the melody you trapped inside your heart
Connect it with the keys
touch, push, shove, use force on the keys
till the sing your demands.
Please I beg of you, play their buttons and make them do as your will
show it's not just me who bends to your touch.
Show me I'm something more, than another medium for your muse
I'm more than the wind's passing song, 
more than the echo of my heart beat.
More than the scream I give to match your chords.


I was a tool for you to use.
As common as the average flute.
I stained the music with my soul.
I did my part,
I gave to you what you would have stole.
Empty I'm alone.
Yet you may claim it, but I know this music is my own.
1/5/2011 remake.

I said Friends forever, I mean Forever.

Forgive me for asking,
But have you seen this girl?
Her skins running around on the streets
But there's a soul in there I just can't find anymore
I need to find that soul,
Need to see those eyes,
The ones that know who I am,
The ones I've stood for so long.
I'm asking have you seen this girl?
She used to braid her hair, used to dance when moved around the room, used to fight with her brothers, fight with me, she used to live.
She's fallen down once or twice before,
But I've always picked her up,
When she built up those walls, I just couldn't get threw
I never turned my back,
Her name is written into my skin,
Her soul is intwined with mine,
She means the world to me,
But I can't find her,
All I see is this skin I don't know
I don't know what to do,
I need to find her,
I need to know her, I need to fix this,
But she wont look me in the eye.
I think this time I've lost her, I think this time it's over
She isn't coming back to my house, she isn't saying sorry, and I'm not falling to my knees.
I don't know that girl, maybe it's time to walk away?
Those words I never wanted to say.
As long as she hears, I still love you.
I've never turned you away, and I'm not going to start now.
Even if you shut me down.

Have you seen this girl?

Don't know if I said this in the last one. But I've been hurt like you couldn't believe the past few days. By two of my favorite people in the world. So yeah.

This one there is 2 versions posting both, someone tell me which you like better.

Forgive me from asking,
But I need to know
Have you seen this girl?
She's been messed up before.
Fallen down on the path a few time before
I don't know who she is anymore
But I hope she knows that I used to love her
I used to pray for her
Every sunday, everyday that I knew her
I used to love her
Who knows maybe I still do?
All I know now is that's not who I knew
I don't know whats wearing her skin
I don't know what's behind those eyes
I don't know that heart
I don't know that hand that she held, I don't know those daggers
That fell out of her mouth
and came down to slit my throat
Please I don't mean to be a bother
But i need to find her
I need to know she's ok
She won't say any words to me anymore
For the fact I'm always worried about her
I need to find her, I need to tell her
How I feel about her.
I'm scared for her, I need to find her, I need to tell her, need to let her know
That I still love her, still care about her, I still need her
After nine years of knowing that face
She changed somehow, when I wasn't looking, she ran away
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know If I should still run for her, or let her rest?

Days ago

Two days ago, I was writing all that, poetry. I was fine, and I was ok. Today I'm back into my head, and finding it's a darker place than it was when I left it. I decided today was the day to deal with some things, because I needed you, and what do you know. You weren't there, I should have guessed, that I'd get burned by this. My heart on my sleeve is taking some wear, and there's nothing I can do, but I have to choose if I should stitch it back there or not. Well anyway, here is this, I will no doubt write more today as I feel heart broken, with friends like this, who needs enemies?
 
(Yeah this has no title for right now)
You picked me up when I was down.
You brushed off my wounds
and Kissed the bloody parts of me no one else would touch
You held me when I needed it
You rocked me to sleep when the thunder made me feel so out of place
You were there for me
When I felt made of glass
When I fell to the floor
When I locked the doors and threw away the keys
You kissed me till the pain went away

You staid with me
When others would have turned their back
I thought you might be on my side
I thought you would be here with me,
Threw it all, and you would be my protector
From the world of shadows and fears
That I live in

I thought I was safe
I turned my back, and I fell into your arms
I fell back, and back, I kept falling until I hit the ground
Until I crashed threw the floor
The shards of it coming back ripped me apart
While the absence of you
Took away my heart

It should have been a knife
One thing hot, and sharp straight into me
Instead it was an earthquake that shook everything
Knocked me down, no preparation could have protected me from this
You were the solid ground I walked on
You just dont care do you?
You don't care that you didn't just grab at it
You stole it all away

Now I swallow my heart
As it threatens to resurface covered with the contents of my stomach
Pull my strings, Throw me around, Push me down,
Watch me shake and shiver, threw the withdrawal with a smile
Dont take away my heart
but my sky

Lay me down where you found me
Push me down deeper into that hole
Rest me where I feel you missing
Your not here to kiss me awake
I'm not snow white, or sleeping beauty
I'm a corpse and this is the show
Your gone and I'm left
With what parts of me I didn't give to you

The Moon told me so

After looking at all of that old stuff I found a drop of muse. Well more a memory that screamed at me for not being written about. I wish I'd written about it when I was still in love it would have been better. Now instead I sort of fused to events together and made this, but I think if I didn't say that you wouldn't know. So this is about the two loves of my life.
The Moon told me so:

Your arms around me,
The whisper of your breath
The closing of our eyes
The meeting of our lips in harmony

The racing my heart
The shiver on your skin
The way the Moon looked that night

You didn't have to say
The Moon told me words neither of us dared
Neither of us could face

When we danced while the stars burned
When you kissed me till it hurt
When you held me in your safty

Those were the words you never had to say
They were there all along
Woven in your hands when they held mine

The sparkle in your eye
The way the world spun
The Moon only had to say the words

You never had to tell me
Because the Moon told me first
And I love you too

Escaping Pain + notes

I just want to say what was on this one piece of paper that I found. It was something that brought tears to my eyes, and I may have it memorized but this poem was written for me.

"I built wings of feather and wax
and used them to fly in to the sky
I grazed my hand across the billowy clouds
and kissed the rainbow with my mouth
but the sun was hot that day
and my wings got hot and melted
so I plummeted to my death" - By Jacob Barrnett

"Barely conscious you'll say to no one isn't something missing" Missing by Evanecene.

Running, pacing, fighting, laying
Tossing, turning, asking, screaming
Even when I sleep I feel this thing in me
When I'm awake it doesn't go away
Sleeping I moan I try to it with my hands
But when I wake I'm simply grasping at air.
I will try to sleep pictures of nothing everywhere
Running threw a city of ruins looking everywhere
Looking for what I'm not sure
The ash in the air, clouds my eyes, this explosion
Was all to soon
Tossing and turning kicking and screaming
You invade my sleep
I look for the warmth to hold, looking everywhere
I scream waiting for you to come, but your never there
Holding onto something when I wake
Opening my eyes to see nothing there
Waiting for the hours at a time fir the comfort I seek
Waiting for the sun to rise, in a world so bleak.
My feet are black and bruised, my eyes are clouded
The tears running down my face as I scream your name
Even in this world
I can't escape
"Escaping Pain"

Hands

His hands
For everything I write about them
For everything I thought about them
I can still see them in my mind
Our handed together, intwined
Your hand next to mine
Showing me how small I was
Compared to how big you are
I think the patterns they ran
I grasp for them
Like a ghost wound and limb
I'm looking for the warmth
I know isn't there anymore
I'm looking for the warmth
Because I cant shake this cold

Note : I have a fascination with hands. Hmmm.

Digging up Ghost and Graves

Hey guys,
So I did a LOT and I mean a ton of walking today, going down that old memory lane. I did a lost of grave robbing, and such. I found a novels worth of my old writing, and I want to have it all up here, if the date is on them I will give it, or I will try to say what it's about. I'm hoping old works will inspire some new? Maybe that naive, but whatever, I have to hold onto my hope. So here is the first.

His hand pressed against mind
His lips sitting there so perfect
His eyes that breath taking blue
His curls perfectly placed around him
That face, the skin, the hair, the smell, the warmth
Brushing my hand across that soft skin
His laugh a bell like breathing
His arms could hold the world together
Hold me as I broke my body down
Letting me break away
Letting me escape and be with him
That joy, that bliss
It makes this hell so much worse
It makes me ugly and hateful
I can't stand hating what I don't know
Because she has you and I want you
Because she can look at a face
She can hear your voice and make you happy
Where I bring only pain
I hate this feeling so weak
Because I miss you
Like half of m is gone
Like a wound that wont heal
That I keep taring at to feel
To be close to you I open it
Insides I feel so shattered
So damaged and broken like everything wrong
I've given up it's not worth this paint
Bu it's how I know
That it was real
But I still can't stand the fact that your holding her hand

Backwards Dancing.

Talk to me.
Tell me.
Touch me.
Stay with me.
I'd do anything for you.
For a little bit of the poison that is your lips on mine.
For that stinging little bit of agony,
That means that for this moment your mine.
To feel your heartbeat, racing against mine.
For anything that that would tell me,
Just how much I mean to you.
Tell me everything, give me nothing,
Touch me softly, break my back,
You've done it all,
I know it all,
Like some twisted dance,
I break myself for you,
and hand you the pieces of me that mean the most.
I don't try to bite the hand that feeds,
But I crave the feeling of being something more.
Of killing this emptiness,
Born into me, by your kisses.
That swell and feed the silence, while smothering the thoughts.
That make everything seem like they will be alright.
You were something that was always like a dream,
The only proof I have of you ever being here,
Are these scars, running across myself,
Reminding myself of every time I hurt.
Trying to warn myself, of this tango, that kills.
But I'll dance another day with you,
Telling every time, I will get more,
I won't live without the poison,
But I will break free.
Kill the addiction,
By killing you.

Sing it to me

I found your song,
The one I sang,
The one that shows me you,
Who you really are.
I found it, sitting in my head.
Waiting to be unleashed,
Set free from the cage,
The lock and Key
I'd set it under.
Because I fled
I strayed and walked,
The straight and narrow
Died in peace,
Brought back in pain.
I found the song,
I one I need.
The one that is greater than any heroine,
Any thoughts to lowly for you to say
I found the one that shows me who you truly are.
What we are, here and now, and always
Frozen in an hour glass,
With cracked glass,
Where I slip out, and lock you away.
Becaause I know now.
I need that boy,
Like a bowling ball,
Dropped on my head,
Which is to say,
Not at all.
I need him not at all,
I need no needle in my skin,
No injection of him.
No Heroine, because the heroine has fallen.
Risen from the ground,
Where I stand now.
Not to be knocked around.
I need you no longer,
I am set free.

His song, was My Heroine, by Silverstein.
He played it everyday, he was with me.
It was my song, from him. A gift in sorts to me, I never understood.
But I don't have to...
Because I need him, like a Bowling Ball, by Superchick.

Atlas's sturggle

I'm only sixteen.
And I am only human.
So please if you could.
Stop putting the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I don't know how to deal.
I don't know how to construct something good with what I've been given.
I don't want to say I'm greedy and needy

I'm only sixteen, and I'm only one girl.
I'm only a sister, and a daughter.
So stop looking at me, like I can fix the world.
Because I don't know much more than you.
Your older and wiser, or so the roles should be
But it was me who raised you, instead of you who raised me.
I watched over you, and learned the world to quickly.
But never quickly enough it seemed.
I'm only wiser then you, because I have an old soul.
I'm only younger then you, because that was my role.
I feel like Atlas when you look at me though.
I'm taking on the world, bearing it on my shoulders.
Because my heart was to grand, for me to sit back and watch.
Though I may be an old soul, I'm still young in heart.
If you could what pressure you put me under.
You'd back off in a second, and it would destory your heart.
Because for all of your burdens the ones you can't deal with,
I am the one to take them off your shoulders,
Because it feels like I am the only adult, in a child's world.
For every burden you have, my heart is scared, along with my back.
For every burden is lashes, for which I endure and hold up the world.
But I am no Atlas, for he is a man, and I am only one girl, he had gifts from the gods, I have no help from above, I am mortal.
And the weight of the world is killing me, crushing me slowly with your problems and issues.
When I try to walk away, I have discovered this ball and chain.
If I could break free, when I break free, please know that I love you.
But I am not Atlas, I can't fix your world, as much as I can mend my own heart.
Which you constantly break, with your disappointments in me, and your own.
I am only mortal, I am only a girl, A daughter, a sister, a child, a love, a human.
I can not be who you want me to be, a mother, a peace keeper, a mediator, a balance maker.
I am becoming broken, damaged, hurt by your lies, unknowing of trust, cut off.
Because I am no Atlas, I am no man of stone, and while I may not be made and cut of stone.
I can still crumble like one.

Written it.

I tell myself I'm a big girl, and that I can get threw anything, and get over anyone. But I'm starting to realize just how not true this is about me. I've spent the last year, and some many months, attempting to get over you. To stop thinking about you. To stop making it hurt when I see you. To make it so I know your not the one who was mine, anymore. But lately, you've been popping into my life more then ever since then. And when I'm with you, I can see a glimmer of who I used to love still inside of you. I'm trying to keep you away, because I'm so afraid of that, I know I still love you, and it's killing you. Please can't you go back away? I love having you near, I missed you so much. But know I don't know if I can handle it. Please if you love me, stop showing up in my life, please make it so my chest stops hurting with missing you. I still love you, even if I'd thought I'd stopped loving you. I wonder if I ever could. Anyway this one is an ode to you. I love you, I wish you'd written it down.

I think back now, and I wish you'd written it.

I wish that every message between us, had been physical.
Instead of digital.
I love the digital age, because I know I will never loose all those notes.
I will have them forever, always there when I want them, and even when I don't.
Because I don't have the heart to delete them.
I wish they'd been written though.
Wish I could see the crossed out words, so I could muse about you thinking of what to say.
So I could touch the indents on the paper, and know your hand scrawled across it.
So I could see the stains from my dried tears, and remember the first emotions I had when I first read those words.
So I could have touched it, traced those words over and over, until they were barely legible.
With your handwriting it wouldn't have taken to long.
I wish I could have thrown it back at you.
Told you I don't accept this, and forced you to take it back.
I wish it'd been something physical, so I could trick myself into thinking you loved me.
Instead of this digital copy, which I read so coldly, because it is so detached.
I wish you'd written it, and given it to me.
Maybe then you could have still loved me.

I'm a Mess.

Right now in my life, there is absolutely to much going on. It's all seeming to just come down on me at once. It's this great big pounding force, I feel like I'm trapped in an ocean, and every time I think I've had enough, or I think I'm safe, the ocean kicks back at me, and slams me into the rocks over and over. There is to much going on, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do or write, every time I try to write it's never right. It's never what I want, and worse, I can't think about one thing long enough to get the emotions, or what I need to say out. Everything all comes out at once, if I open the doors, and try to deal with one thing, the flood overwhelms me, and I'm overcome. I don't know what to do, so I shut the flood gates back, and bottle it all up. And I can feel it everyday, I know that someday it will kill me. Because I can't deal with anything at all. Because it's never one thing. I'm a mess, and a wreck.
Sincerely me.

Why?

I love being museful. It makes my days so much better. But also hurts my hand because I write so much. But I'm to happy about that to complain much. I blame the sun for my sudden burst of muse. So here is Why::

In utter darkness I ask.
I ask. I plead. I beg.
For anything other then this dark.
For something to swallow the dark.
The emptiness.
The hollowness.
The sorrow that comes, and swells filling my chest.
Then fades away with the thoughts there was never any cause for it.
There is no need for the sorrow.
No need for the darkness.
Because the emptiness around me
I was it's creator.
I came from me.
From the feelings inside me.
It was something I had no control over.
There was a bright flash of light.
Then what seems to be everlasting night.
Came to rest.
But not the night.
Just the unsettling darkness.
The stars all fell out of the sky.
And why what I feel my be my dying breath.
I ask.....why?

[Instert clever title here]

Hey to anyone who actually reads this,
I've been writing a lot lately. It seems I've actually started to think in poetry actually. Which is good, but a bit distracting from the task at hand. Anyway I have discovered a new love in the world that I create in my mind, and bring to life with my words written on pages. Slam Poetry. I love it. They beat, and pace, how the words flow together. I don't have anything I like enough to post yet, but I promise I'll do something soon. For now here is something I wrote last week, people around me seemed to like it.

At one time I held it all.
The earth and the sky were met as one within my heart.
The wold spun, and turned, and not only that...it danced.
It danced to a beautiful ballad played on the steams of light left behind by trailing stars. That where shooting across the sky.
A sound like chords being strummed. While the stars all stared in wonder. And the moon joined along, to. Dancing with the earth, to a melody played across space. Something so sweet and soft, that the stars couldn't help but twinkle.

At one time I held it all.
But it soon slipped away, falling threw the cracks in my hands. As if I was trying to stop the motion of time by holding sand. The earth fell off balance and the music stopped. The trails f light disappeared and the moon fell to a dismal stop. The stars started to glow so hot. And in turn I grew so cold. They left, as the vast oceans I had once held. Swallowed me whole, while I fell to the world. The earth slipping away, as the oceans surrounded everything in my sight.

And then I held nothing.
No heat from stars, no music from stars. Touch and feeling all disappeared...no love was around. The oceans they were cold, and their beauty stung like ice. Blue filled my sight, but reminded me of the sights that I had lost when I fell. Deeper I fell into the breathtaking water. Ice, the water grew colder as the beauty grew around me, the beauty of chaos all with their own deadly spikes. Wishes to speak, or scream were never granted. Strikes of incoming anger where gobbled up hungrily by water. Which from the inside out came in and chilled me. Bones first the cold grabbed me and spread throughout my system. Froze me still. Till I was just a heart beat yet to still. Drowned by the waters of my own world and home, strangled when left by the hand. Nothing in me could flourish.

I once held it All.
But one time I did fall.
And at that time I did loose it all.
I have not found a way to climb back up.

End

No Air.

So I started writing this a few years ago. When I had a panic attack. It was the most terrifying thing I'd ever felt before not being able to breath. So when it was finally over the first thing I did was grab a pen and some paper. This is a revised and heavily edited version of the first draft. But I finally think it's good enough to post it.

pounding, throbbing, grasping, gripping, slipping

heart racing, throbbing, beating so painfully

every beat a beat a new heart ache

every breath so empty and hurtful

like breathing in water

filling me up, but not giving me what I need

my lungs wont fill with air

someone's sitting on my lungs

pressing their weight on top of me

with every gasp they fall deeper into me

every gasp so empty of the air i need

my lungs wont fill, i want to scream but that needs air

the air i don't have.

they wont fill everything slows down

pain fills every sense around me

pain at the bright light around me

pain with the sound of gasping listening as I try to breath

the sound of air rushing out, pushed out of my lungs.

while i listen for gasps, looking for air, it's all going out

not coming in at all.

My heart races the rhythm of it beating in my head

is it faster? Slower? I'm not sure.

The lack of air I'm drowning in mid air.

The rooms spins and I fall to the floor.

I'm in so much pain, but I can't figure out a way to heal.

I can't breath, but I can't stop trying.

Every defeat mocking me with pain.

The burning starts, the fire needs air to grow inside of me though.

It's looking for the air, and so am I.

Close my eyes, close my lips, there is no more trying to breath.

Only acceptance.

Until I can't hold it anymore, one more gasp of air.

Ice fills me now, extinguishing the fire inside.

Air fills me and smothers the pain.

Air. Breath.

I am free.