Quote

The first post I ever made on my tumblr was this quote. I sorta wish I'd listened to it.
"You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don’t try to forget the mistakes, but you don’t dwell on it. You don’t let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” Johnny Cash

Back.

Hi.
So wow, I haven't posted in this blog in over two years. That is just...mind blowing to me. Mind blowing that it's been two years since I turned over to tumblr, and mind blowing that two years later I still have realitve who never made the switch to going back and looking at my new blog. Well lucky for me this one is still here because Tumblr has not gone exactly how I wanted it to. I wanted it to be a break from here. I thought I needed a break, but I never really got one I just got more distracts. Life has changed so much in the past two years I can't even wrap my mind around it.

Where to even start
I didn't graduate high school on time, still haven't actually. I tried to kill myself, several times in fact. Mom did too. We both failed. Matthias and Mom finally fell apart like I always knew it would, I learned that be careful what you wish for thing the hard way. We lost the house, and Snoop and Mardi. Yoda lives with Matthias and I miss my cat is an understatement. I had a two year long relationship that blew up like everything else, Bailey moved on with her life. I moved to Portland with can you believe it James of all people:) Josh Bock lives with us too sometimes.
If someone had told me two years ago, I'd be coming back here with my life the way it was, and what's happened. I wouldn't believe it, or maybe I would and I'd have killed myself and escaped it all who knows.
This is not how I intended for my life to work out is the understatement of the year for sure. I just can't figure out how I got here. Anyway I have a lot of work a lot of writing I've done and posted that I don't really want on my Tumblr anymore. I want it here. Everything in one place so I'm going to do that.
<3
The Reigning Queen.

Isn't it?

This will be my last post on here. I am getting a new blog. I feel I've out grown this one I suppose. I love you all, when I have the new blog, I'll post the link, but this is really all of it.

Isn't it incredible
how you make me cry?
I don't love you like I did before

Isn't it spectaular
The days we spend
I don't know who you are anymore

Isn't it terrifying
When I read your mind
I know where to touch to make you tick
I don't like your games anymore

Isn't it everything you ever wanted
Everything we asked for

But you can't take it back

All the lies and decet
Games that you played
Hearts that we hurt

You cant make my scars dissapear

When I don't look in your eyes

Isn't this
Just it?

Everything that we asked for
In out little lives
All the make up and clothes
the boys and the funtimes

We never thought that it would hurt

I never thought I'd lose your soul

Isn't it incredible
I don't know you face
Who is that girl walkin down the street

Isn't it spectaular
We thought it was fate
You can make your own destiny

Isn't it terrifying
I can't see my scars anymore
I know she was here, but her names been erased by healing

Safety

Safety
You don't realize the price of it.
Not until you don't have it
You don't realize how much you need it
A space that's safe
A space that's calm
A space where you can cry
Where you can scream.
Where you can be free.
From the traps that lay in hiding in daily patterns.
You don't realize how much it hurts.
When you don't have a place to run to
To feel the pain.
Because your not safe.

Strings

They strangled me with string.

It was as easy as it seems

They tied me down to people

    They tied themselves to me

I sealed the knots myself

In the dead of night they came

    Pulling as lightly as they could

The laces of their strings

Laced with bared wire

Cutting into me

They all pulled away.

My arms

My legs

My hips

My heart

They'd all been anchored somewhere

Their strings held on with hooks

Digging in my skin

When they pulled away

They became to crawl within.

Every beat that passed

my heart felt missing

Every lifted foot step

fell short a mile of it's distance

An arm that never lifted

replaced with bricks

A hip moved around to dance

felt broken and out of place.

They crawled within, and broke me down

It was only the beginning.

My walls went under fire.

With whispers of desire.

With whims dangled in the air.

With thoughts one shouldn't dare.

Effective was the strategy.

All out of place.

All out of sorts.

My eyes rolled back.

My heart on leave.

My soul broken.

One tug was all it took.

The one with the deepest hook.
I gripped it with my hands.

I grabbed it with my nails

I groveled at it's demands.

Faint strips of blood came at first.

Like a prick on my skin,

and then a bubble.

Till lines appeared, from a hook,

The one that sunk me. 

Every grovel was to much to bare.

The hook sank in deeper,

Until to pull it out, was to bleed more.
I never learned to stop.

Not even as a child.

Not as an adult.

Why should I start now?

My mouth opened,

A dagger fell from my mouth

To the hook.

I killed the hook.

But the dagger worked on me as well.

All the strings combined,

Thick as vines

Red.

Wrapped themselves around

And Around

And Around.

Till suffocation

Asphyxiation.

My dearest, is not mine.

This goes out too a missing piece of my soul. To a girl I love. I hope she knows how beautiful she is. Even if she's strange. It's what I love about her.

My Dearest,
    You are no blood kin of mine
        No blood runs threw our veins the same.        
            No family entwines us like binds
                No way are you blood.
    You are no friend of mine
        No eyes I know
            No laugh that lifts my heart
                No where in space in time
    You are a nothing
        You are locked in a screen
            Your face is never seen
                Your voice is but a dream
    Yet I hear you scream.
    Yet I know your there.
    Yet I want you to know I care.
        You are no family of mine.
        You are no friend of mine.
        You are no life laid out next to mine.
    Yet our hearts seem intertwined.
    Yet my soul cries threw your eyes.
        You are nothing to me.
        Because you are me.
            You are a skin living in my heart.
            You are an illusion I fear of madness
        Yet I embrace you.
            I wish to take you from the dark.
            I wish to hold you back from those ghost in your eyes.
            The ones hiding in your words
                The monsters crawling in your skin.
    You are no friend of mine.
        But you are mine.
I feel as if I've known you always.
    When I feel, it's like you know.
        You are my desires screaming inside my head.
            Brought into the light, by you.
    You make me feel crazy.
        You make me feel safe.
            You make me feel alive.
    There is no conclusion to this mystery.
        Because it only goes on.
    Just know...
        You maybe no blood of mine.
        You maybe no friend of mine.
            But I am here when you need me.

-end
Dearest, one can only hope when you read this. You will know who you are, to me and to the world. I feel like I day dream in this skin, but your who I'm meant to be. You speak the words I wont, and live threw my demons with me. I hope you know I love you Seren. :)

so yeah

I stopped being in choir a few months back, and now it's killing me. I can't believe I did such a thing. I've been in choir for nearly 10 years, and being the theater helped mask the pain. When that faded though, and I had no use for my loud voice, I stopped using it. Now I'm trying to work it back to being as loud as I can.

Locked in a box
trapped by chains and swallowed in the dark
I can't even find the air to take a breath
A breath could save my life
I'd die if I could feel that release
The pressure off on, my chest flo lifted
The cold intake of the night air
Swallowed in my burning lungs
The ones that want to scream, to breath, to sing
It's been so long since I've taken a real breah
One that goes down to my hips
That comes out a moment long, and oh so srong
I know if I could find the strength
Somewhere inside to breath and sing
Than I would be free from the dark
I would be free and I would sing.