so yeah

I stopped being in choir a few months back, and now it's killing me. I can't believe I did such a thing. I've been in choir for nearly 10 years, and being the theater helped mask the pain. When that faded though, and I had no use for my loud voice, I stopped using it. Now I'm trying to work it back to being as loud as I can.

Locked in a box
trapped by chains and swallowed in the dark
I can't even find the air to take a breath
A breath could save my life
I'd die if I could feel that release
The pressure off on, my chest flo lifted
The cold intake of the night air
Swallowed in my burning lungs
The ones that want to scream, to breath, to sing
It's been so long since I've taken a real breah
One that goes down to my hips
That comes out a moment long, and oh so srong
I know if I could find the strength
Somewhere inside to breath and sing
Than I would be free from the dark
I would be free and I would sing.

Listen

Play me those chords
The ones that sound so sweet to my ear
The ones that draw tears
Play me those notes
That dance on the stars
The ones that can't be held back by hate and lies
Play for me the songs that sing in your heart
Connect them with the keys
Push them the right way I know you can
Play their buttons
Please I beg you,
Play their buttons make them do as you will
Show me it's not just me,
Who bends to your touch
Show me something more
Than this feeling, that I'm just like a song
Tell me I'm more than the echo of my heart beat
More than the scream as more chords are pushed
I loved your music
I loved your sound
I loved that melody, and the rhythm
I adored everything that spoke, of the music in my heart
The music that soared across miles and miles and wires and wires
That flowed into my ears
Now every press every chords a pain
Everyone of them
Breaks off a new little chunk of my heart
Everyone of them is a pain and a tare into my skin
Everyone one of them, is echoed with the sound of the my tears slipping out
Play me the music that makes me dance,
Play me the song that makes me scream,
That makes me smile
So I can feel something new please,
So that I don't die.
This goodbye, isn't one I can handle
I'm wrapped around the piano, my soul held in it's heart
Playing it plays me, but you knew that when I told you my dreams didn't you/
It plays me, when you touch it, but I can't have that.
So to stop my soul, I tell you good bye, and walk away.
Step away from the piano, and feel pain with every step I take
A chord with every word,
Because I'll walk away from this, and you, as you did from me
But the imprint is lasting, and I'll think of it with every step I take.
---------------------------------------------------------

Play me a tune, that rings in my ears.
That hums threw my bones and sinks into my teeth
Play me the tune that sounds like a sigh
Play me the tune that draws tears to my eyes.
Build me a song, built from chords and tunes.
Notes that can dance, like the stars and the moon.
Play me a song that holds no lies.
Play for me the melody you trapped inside your heart
Connect it with the keys
touch, push, shove, use force on the keys
till the sing your demands.
Please I beg of you, play their buttons and make them do as your will
show it's not just me who bends to your touch.
Show me I'm something more, than another medium for your muse
I'm more than the wind's passing song, 
more than the echo of my heart beat.
More than the scream I give to match your chords.


I was a tool for you to use.
As common as the average flute.
I stained the music with my soul.
I did my part,
I gave to you what you would have stole.
Empty I'm alone.
Yet you may claim it, but I know this music is my own.
1/5/2011 remake.

I said Friends forever, I mean Forever.

Forgive me for asking,
But have you seen this girl?
Her skins running around on the streets
But there's a soul in there I just can't find anymore
I need to find that soul,
Need to see those eyes,
The ones that know who I am,
The ones I've stood for so long.
I'm asking have you seen this girl?
She used to braid her hair, used to dance when moved around the room, used to fight with her brothers, fight with me, she used to live.
She's fallen down once or twice before,
But I've always picked her up,
When she built up those walls, I just couldn't get threw
I never turned my back,
Her name is written into my skin,
Her soul is intwined with mine,
She means the world to me,
But I can't find her,
All I see is this skin I don't know
I don't know what to do,
I need to find her,
I need to know her, I need to fix this,
But she wont look me in the eye.
I think this time I've lost her, I think this time it's over
She isn't coming back to my house, she isn't saying sorry, and I'm not falling to my knees.
I don't know that girl, maybe it's time to walk away?
Those words I never wanted to say.
As long as she hears, I still love you.
I've never turned you away, and I'm not going to start now.
Even if you shut me down.

Have you seen this girl?

Don't know if I said this in the last one. But I've been hurt like you couldn't believe the past few days. By two of my favorite people in the world. So yeah.

This one there is 2 versions posting both, someone tell me which you like better.

Forgive me from asking,
But I need to know
Have you seen this girl?
She's been messed up before.
Fallen down on the path a few time before
I don't know who she is anymore
But I hope she knows that I used to love her
I used to pray for her
Every sunday, everyday that I knew her
I used to love her
Who knows maybe I still do?
All I know now is that's not who I knew
I don't know whats wearing her skin
I don't know what's behind those eyes
I don't know that heart
I don't know that hand that she held, I don't know those daggers
That fell out of her mouth
and came down to slit my throat
Please I don't mean to be a bother
But i need to find her
I need to know she's ok
She won't say any words to me anymore
For the fact I'm always worried about her
I need to find her, I need to tell her
How I feel about her.
I'm scared for her, I need to find her, I need to tell her, need to let her know
That I still love her, still care about her, I still need her
After nine years of knowing that face
She changed somehow, when I wasn't looking, she ran away
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know If I should still run for her, or let her rest?

Days ago

Two days ago, I was writing all that, poetry. I was fine, and I was ok. Today I'm back into my head, and finding it's a darker place than it was when I left it. I decided today was the day to deal with some things, because I needed you, and what do you know. You weren't there, I should have guessed, that I'd get burned by this. My heart on my sleeve is taking some wear, and there's nothing I can do, but I have to choose if I should stitch it back there or not. Well anyway, here is this, I will no doubt write more today as I feel heart broken, with friends like this, who needs enemies?
 
(Yeah this has no title for right now)
You picked me up when I was down.
You brushed off my wounds
and Kissed the bloody parts of me no one else would touch
You held me when I needed it
You rocked me to sleep when the thunder made me feel so out of place
You were there for me
When I felt made of glass
When I fell to the floor
When I locked the doors and threw away the keys
You kissed me till the pain went away

You staid with me
When others would have turned their back
I thought you might be on my side
I thought you would be here with me,
Threw it all, and you would be my protector
From the world of shadows and fears
That I live in

I thought I was safe
I turned my back, and I fell into your arms
I fell back, and back, I kept falling until I hit the ground
Until I crashed threw the floor
The shards of it coming back ripped me apart
While the absence of you
Took away my heart

It should have been a knife
One thing hot, and sharp straight into me
Instead it was an earthquake that shook everything
Knocked me down, no preparation could have protected me from this
You were the solid ground I walked on
You just dont care do you?
You don't care that you didn't just grab at it
You stole it all away

Now I swallow my heart
As it threatens to resurface covered with the contents of my stomach
Pull my strings, Throw me around, Push me down,
Watch me shake and shiver, threw the withdrawal with a smile
Dont take away my heart
but my sky

Lay me down where you found me
Push me down deeper into that hole
Rest me where I feel you missing
Your not here to kiss me awake
I'm not snow white, or sleeping beauty
I'm a corpse and this is the show
Your gone and I'm left
With what parts of me I didn't give to you

The Moon told me so

After looking at all of that old stuff I found a drop of muse. Well more a memory that screamed at me for not being written about. I wish I'd written about it when I was still in love it would have been better. Now instead I sort of fused to events together and made this, but I think if I didn't say that you wouldn't know. So this is about the two loves of my life.
The Moon told me so:

Your arms around me,
The whisper of your breath
The closing of our eyes
The meeting of our lips in harmony

The racing my heart
The shiver on your skin
The way the Moon looked that night

You didn't have to say
The Moon told me words neither of us dared
Neither of us could face

When we danced while the stars burned
When you kissed me till it hurt
When you held me in your safty

Those were the words you never had to say
They were there all along
Woven in your hands when they held mine

The sparkle in your eye
The way the world spun
The Moon only had to say the words

You never had to tell me
Because the Moon told me first
And I love you too

Escaping Pain + notes

I just want to say what was on this one piece of paper that I found. It was something that brought tears to my eyes, and I may have it memorized but this poem was written for me.

"I built wings of feather and wax
and used them to fly in to the sky
I grazed my hand across the billowy clouds
and kissed the rainbow with my mouth
but the sun was hot that day
and my wings got hot and melted
so I plummeted to my death" - By Jacob Barrnett

"Barely conscious you'll say to no one isn't something missing" Missing by Evanecene.

Running, pacing, fighting, laying
Tossing, turning, asking, screaming
Even when I sleep I feel this thing in me
When I'm awake it doesn't go away
Sleeping I moan I try to it with my hands
But when I wake I'm simply grasping at air.
I will try to sleep pictures of nothing everywhere
Running threw a city of ruins looking everywhere
Looking for what I'm not sure
The ash in the air, clouds my eyes, this explosion
Was all to soon
Tossing and turning kicking and screaming
You invade my sleep
I look for the warmth to hold, looking everywhere
I scream waiting for you to come, but your never there
Holding onto something when I wake
Opening my eyes to see nothing there
Waiting for the hours at a time fir the comfort I seek
Waiting for the sun to rise, in a world so bleak.
My feet are black and bruised, my eyes are clouded
The tears running down my face as I scream your name
Even in this world
I can't escape
"Escaping Pain"

Hands

His hands
For everything I write about them
For everything I thought about them
I can still see them in my mind
Our handed together, intwined
Your hand next to mine
Showing me how small I was
Compared to how big you are
I think the patterns they ran
I grasp for them
Like a ghost wound and limb
I'm looking for the warmth
I know isn't there anymore
I'm looking for the warmth
Because I cant shake this cold

Note : I have a fascination with hands. Hmmm.

Digging up Ghost and Graves

Hey guys,
So I did a LOT and I mean a ton of walking today, going down that old memory lane. I did a lost of grave robbing, and such. I found a novels worth of my old writing, and I want to have it all up here, if the date is on them I will give it, or I will try to say what it's about. I'm hoping old works will inspire some new? Maybe that naive, but whatever, I have to hold onto my hope. So here is the first.

His hand pressed against mind
His lips sitting there so perfect
His eyes that breath taking blue
His curls perfectly placed around him
That face, the skin, the hair, the smell, the warmth
Brushing my hand across that soft skin
His laugh a bell like breathing
His arms could hold the world together
Hold me as I broke my body down
Letting me break away
Letting me escape and be with him
That joy, that bliss
It makes this hell so much worse
It makes me ugly and hateful
I can't stand hating what I don't know
Because she has you and I want you
Because she can look at a face
She can hear your voice and make you happy
Where I bring only pain
I hate this feeling so weak
Because I miss you
Like half of m is gone
Like a wound that wont heal
That I keep taring at to feel
To be close to you I open it
Insides I feel so shattered
So damaged and broken like everything wrong
I've given up it's not worth this paint
Bu it's how I know
That it was real
But I still can't stand the fact that your holding her hand