Muse Muse

So I know I have no followers but I just thought hey maybe somebody besides me is reading this. After all a girl can hope. Anyway sorry no post in the last week. Been grounded. But I've been writing nonstop for the past few days. I have a new boyfriend and he is a great muse for me. I plan on typing up editing and posting some stuff asap. Anyways till then hope everyone is doing fine.

Loves you all thank you for the comments I got they make me feel so much better!

-Kir.

Praying for a Tragedy

I miss you so much

Staring down the street as I walk up them

Knowing what your doing

Thinking about your face

When I know I should be moving on

But my heart won't stop this beating

Its strangling my insides

The panic's written on my face

It's painted across the walls

Screaming in the wind

The night is calling

Asking for it's victim

Wondering who's acting weak tonight

My feet keep moving

The path leading from my home

I'm picking up the little one

The light of hope at the end of the tunnel

The one who means the most

I can see it in my head

The dark holds to many secrets

Home hours ago

I look like a wreck

My hair is falling out

The water soaks my feet

Running towards the house

My mind has taken off

Playing it all out in my mind

I can't seem to make it stop

I can hear the rain starting

The hushed pushing of my breath

Pounding inside my heart

Would I only have to show up

Would she open the door

Would they leave me outside

Would I be asked to leave

Would I have to beg for help

If my sunshine went missing

Running his way home

He went missing

Inside I didn't know

The hands grabbing him

Pictures painted scare me

Im only half way there

When in my head I can see it

They would open the door

Only after I cried out for her

She would hold me and tell me to leave

I could beg for help

Look at them all like they cant see

Like the way my face is fixed

As if tears havent streaked across

Breaking into a rush

I need to know

Every minute more happens

Any second more is pain

I have to know what will I do

Then he hears my voice

It breaks for him asking for his help

Broken and begging I need him

I need someone to hold me

He only walks out of the room

While the others help me out

He stays back

Watching the rain that way he does

Rasping on the wood

Brought out of everything I've seen

There's my sunshine

I can breath again, i've been released

Looking at him I can say the words

"Time to go home,"

I have my sunshine

Walking home across the street

I stare down the road

the thought that passes me

I wish I could have an excuse

I run and be with him

Somehow I turn and open my door

I was praying for a tragedy

Amen

All I want for Christmas

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know we haven't spoken in a while

I haven't been faithful

I haven't been true

But please dear father I need you

I've never felt this pain before

I've never felt so small

I thought I could run my life without you

But now I'm begging you please

To send him back to me

I can't eat, I can't breath

Im tired of being alone

And I know it's only just begun

Please why would you do this to me

I've prayed more these months

Then ever before

Even before the angel went away

Im all outta lies, Im not happy

And my eyes are all outta cries

Your the maker of my model

The holder of my soul

An angle found me broken

Bits of glass shoved in my arm

He took the pieces out

He took me home and fixed me up

But before he left he stole my heart away

You called my angel home,

Now he's so far away

Always in the air, brushing fingertips

I don't feel the same

So now I'm on my knees

Begging you please

Send that Angel back to me

All I want for christmas

Is not the heart stolen away

But the boy who can bring it back

All I want for christmas is my

Once in a life time

Love me again

Faithful for all time

Miracle to bring him back

Amen

Why did it have too go?

I remember staring down at my feet

I used to smile and be so shy

Because you were so much better then me

I used to think that this was just a stage

That we would always be happy

I can picture it like it was yesterday

not a cloud in the sky

the summer sun, was beating down on us

As we made our way home

And all that I could think

was that you where moving to fast

that this day was going to slow

That I didn't want you too go

Our feet made rhythm, and it was magic

Your eyes met mine

It was like the earth stop turning right there

Your curls where perfect

and we where happy

why did it have to go

Now I can think about

the days ahead and the pain that will come

They skies are cloudy

Nothing left of yesterday

The breeze is cold

Your movin too fast

Cause I can't your face

This is my only time,

that I might be happy

Why do you have to go?

Why can't you walk me

like we where happy

Why did you have to go?

Your eyes wont touch mine

and I am grounded

Like you've torn off my wings

So I'll stand here and hurt

I will tug at my hair

and just act like I don't care

With a smile on my face

I'll do more damage then the tears you cant see

They never come when you are near

when my heart beats so fast

yet I feel the coldest of all

I spent the day just curled in a ball

Thinking of all the days

When we would sit still and you would hold me

You were my fire

Now I'm staring at the flames

As they do your job

they bring the heat to me

but they hurt me

they way your touch never did

I spent last night thinking of cold nights

I thought about the flowers and where we stood

I danced in my dreams

You seemed so happy,

Why did that have to go?

Ive gone threw the motions

I've gone threw days without you

I've missed your touch everyday

thinking of touching you

do you feel the same?

why did it have to go

why did it have to go

why did it have to go

do you feel the same?

Two Truths.

I'm tired and dazed

The two facts I wont hide

I'm full but I'm empty

I'm running but slowly

I'm smilling but crying inside

I've become a walking contradiction

Everything about screams a lie

I don't want to talk but I cant shut up

I want to be quesit and all all

But then say I have to much tI'me in my head

I smile and say I'm ok I'm working on it

But really this pain is so mich I just want to cry

To let the pain consume me

To let the world just slip away

Close my eyes the worlds not here

Its just me

I'm running from the darkness I want to embrace

I have to act at least like I have it together

Don't let them see everything thats going on

Breath in breath out

Don't hold the pain n

Smile laugh say its ok

Don't let them know that nothing will ever

Be the same

You take one step forward there is no such thing

As taking on step back

Fly Away 3/3

Fly Away

Pulled from my back like stab after stab

The ripping of skin, the wincing,

begging for it to stop, to leave me

with some sort of protection

not to leave me bare

but the hands where already at work

and once it starts it can't be undone

The ripping the tearing the bleeding the scaring

somewhere in there mind it all had a purpose

it was to start fresh to be new

they didn't know my wings would never be the same

the feathers could grow could be replaced

but begging i asked not to leaked

these are hands though not ears

they couldn't understand

Held down by a power i couldn't stop

I could move I couldn't twitch

my heart was frozen thrown on the ground

it was shattered as glass when throw threw a window

I couldn't feel the tears

As i held myself together

hands wrapped around my chest

i was just like the others

waiting for my wings to fall to find themselves around me

they threw away my feathers

my little bits of love

i asked for them to keep them, the new ones growing had to mch pain to bare

i cried and scream

watch as i twitched, they wheren't the same

as the feathers before so white and clean untouched but pain

these new feathers where not the same

they where born of hatred and pain

with black tips and bodys these where what i had now

too call my own

these where the wings that where not given to me but made

they didn't feel the same, but i wondered even with these 

black as night sharp as knives could i find what i found

looking in the sky

i wondered even with these scars and pain

could i still fly

Until One is one 2/3

They scared me bruised me torn me down

Loved me healed me built me up

The hands of them

so tender and kind

the hands of him

so rough and tough

Still they do the same

They stroke me, run there fingers threw my feathers

Pat me on the head and coo

They pluck me, pulling every feather free

Taking away my dignity

There all the same,

Holding close and tender

Cooing the things I want to hear

they build me up, placed there hands around my heart

Once close enough,  or bored enough it all ends up the same

They tear me down

Slow and graceful

Dancing inside my head

They pull the strings placed when they stroked

Ripping pulling taring searing

There fingers clutch around me

strangling in there hold

Not willing to break away, I come back for the pain

for the pause, that will once day break me

I wait and hold still, no moving makes it worse

Fighting makes it only feel more

Grasping all around me, fingers digging in

they tare away my feathers

my escape is not there plan

exposed and altered i could not feel the cold

there fingers are to deep beneath the bone

They hold me in there hands, my heart laced with there fingers

Panic races threw me always a moment too late

When my freedom is impossible and I must stand up straight

I fall into there hands held down by there finger

until the bond breaks

my heart is free is bound to them

my soul my body my whole

captured but all separate

until one is gone. 

Makers Hands, Part 1/3

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night," my inspiration

I'm trying to fly

I'm trying to sing

Trying to live

Trying to be

But my wings are broken

My voice is all gone

This life seeped out of me

Stolen by the maker

I tried to be good

I tried to be enough

I will move on and things will be alright

I've flown and soared

I've  hummed a tune

I lived my life

I've been what I wanted

This gift was given to me

By the maker things where done

They have fixed my wings, so they where fine

Taught me a tune they sang all the time

They have brightened the world

Fixed the mistakes in my eyes

They have made things as they are,

They have made things as they should be

This time my wings are gone

The feather plucked, I can not fly

My voice was trapped inside a box

I can not find

My life is small and I am weak

Things I thought for sure have changed

The color has faded this cold never sleeps

I was once held in the hands of one

The arms of another

Broken past repair, until they grabbed me from the shelf

Now they have thrown me down

I must take what I have and I must

wait, to be free

I must be strong when it is hard

I must be here when things are bad

I must learn to fly, to sing, to live, to be

Without the maker, taking what has been given

And using what I know

I will soar into the dark black night

Will he come?

I keep telling myself I have to be better by Saturday.

I have to make sure. 

I've got everything turned in for Saturday

My whole week has revolved around Saturday.

The day your coming...I think.

You promised me every weekend. 

So I thought Saturday because I missed you. 

And wanted to make the days shorter. 

I've made myself believe Saturday. 

Because I thought your coming. 

I've gone through my stages of missing you, so much quicker then when I didn't know the date of when I'd see you next. 

But I've finally noticed. 

What if I'm grounded? What if it's not Saturday? What if you don't come?

I've finally looked at who is word I've taken to heart. 

Thinking of all the million broken promises, and betrayals you've givin me before.

Now I miss you more then ever.

Doing whatever I can to not think of you.

Now I'm praying you come back That it wasn't all a onetime dream come true 

I'm thinking of the looks your friends have givin me this past week. 

The times I've told our tale, our twisted tale, our game of cat and mouse, me chasing you to no return. I have to admit part of this is my ego.

But one friend, told me the line, 'We had to go home,' like it had been rehersed. 

Like he thought about his wordind chose. While the other smiled at me. 

In a way like I'd never seen him wear. I think it was a happy smile for me, because I've seen his guilty and pity faces for me. 

I wounder if he knows And if I just read into everything to much

I sigh his is all just ramblings, all of them though a connected conversation. All of them about you, guess just another way I can think of you. 

I miss you

When you come again

Can you do me a favor?

Can you sing to me?

You did it once before, and the song still holds your voice too me. 

And then can you hold me, 

In a doubt filled rain like last time?

My first Everything.

Looking back

You've always been my world

The first boy I loved,

The first boy I wanted to kiss

So many first

Because you were always there

Maybe thats why leting go was so hard

I had to go against every thing 

That I had built in three years

But now your back

Or so the gossip colloums that are teenage girls minds

Have told us all

I know this is bad new to some

Good to many more

And hell's freezeing again

For the select few that are my friends

Who worry about me again

Going into my state of shock, and emptyness

Who fear I will return to the shell

That took a year to break

Just enough time for you to return

So now what?

Do I go and rebuild everything that I've broken?

Do I just go and act like you never left?

Do I go back to my world were there's only you?

Do I go back to forgetting that the world moves on without you

No matter how painfull it is. 

Do I return to my state of mind where  you'll always be here?

Texting

This is a real conversation my now ex boyfriend and I once had threw texting and at One point calling each other. I miss these nights, and this is something inspiring too me. The joy I still get when I read these. Even at the time I knew it was so cute, I just wanted too stop the moment right there so I typed out our text and saved them. He doesn't know this but I have almost ever text he ever sent me when we where dating still. 

From me: u loser i hate you

Him: What did I do? *calls me up* "What did I do?" voice is sad

Me : "Nothing I love you"

Him ; "Oh"

Me : "Bye"

Him: Bye I hate you 2

Me : U suck but i miss u

Him: I miss u2

Me : then come kiss me

Him: i want 2 but i really can't leave, ya :( now I'm all depressed

Me : Im sorry think about your other lover

Him: alex, travis, or mike?

Me : U have 3!!! Im sorry I dont think is going to work

Him: fine ill kill them, then itll just be u and me

Me : Im okay with that, I dont like sharing anyway

Him: lol, u took that better then i thought you would

Me : Im planing on making them steral later

Him: gotcha

Me : ill be over in a minute

Him: not 2night my parents would catch us

Me : well tomorrow night then

Him: ok sounds good

Me : i can't wait 2 c u

Him: miss u

Returning

It's a scary thought

Your return

I don't know how I'll deal with it

Will I sink back into your arms

Will I forget everything I've learned

And slip into the old comfort I know that you bring?

Will I forget everything, act like nothings change

And pick up my things right where I left them?

How will my world react?

Will my pillars fall again?

Crumble with my sanity, 

Will the colors fade away once more?

Where my days passed so slowly,

And I cried eternal, tears

Where I hid from the world to afraid/

Will I leave him?

Fall back into the trap of following you around

Being there only when you wanted to see me

Being just a body, standing there my soul consumed by you

Returning

Your returning the thought 

It rings in my mind, 

It haunts my dreams, 

My decisions

It shakes me endlessly,

Like I've just stepped off the moon,

My body sinks to the ground

Tarring up my knees

While I fall, 

The weight of your return crushing me

I learn and think of it, 

The reaction so strong I feel like I've been punched in the gut

The wind falls out of me

And my strength fails me as I cant find it

And the world slips away as i cant find breath

Returning

A blackout of my mind, 

simply brought upon to me by simple enough words

With no deep meaning behind it

"I'm moving back"

This time will be different

This time I know

I am who I am

I'm not your toy

I'm not your doll

I don't fear you

I wont let you control me

I wont do those things I didn't want to before

I'm strong now

My knees will hold

My stomach knots

Behind my eyes there is fear

But that is behind me

I'm all better now

The cure is at hand

When the illness returns

I will be ready for battle when the times come

This is no longer a home for the pain

Its been evicted, uprooted from my heart

I will be strong 

Not the symptom the Cause.

I'm sitting here thinking of you

My mind is full of you

Smiling, laughing, good times we've had

Over and done that's what I am when i'm next to her

Ruff and restless like the sea my emotions battle

Raging inside me.

The black abyss and the white sea

 I'm in between showered with gray of confusion. 

Your the cause of all of this

I'm just the one you chose.

the weapon you strike with to start a new battle.

Couldn't wouldn't words I know

And you who showed me that I could

Never thought i'd be on the other side.

but now I know it's a double sided blade.

Tragic and painful something I couldn't put her threw

And yet I want to hold you like something new, and claim you as my own

Never could I go through the guilt of stealing you

Does it ever accure that mabey I'd get too?

Ready now as I'll ever be

Enough I cant stand this battle, I pound my head and heart with stone

Withdraw from myself, They'd hate me if they knew

I can still dream of you, I touch your picture in my mind

Wound up tight in my mind, their not there and your mine.

Offering a laugh and a smile

Never thought you'd hurt her. 

Tell her that you love her then you see me

Hey what's going on I want to stop in my head but my heart loves the pain

Universes clash I wont be the person that hurt me in the past. 

Restless are these thoughts in my head

They yell, they scream, they rant, your mine you chose me but I remember

And I cry I dont want to go through this

No more these thoughts are gone

No more as the tears come down my face, follow there path away from me

At least for now your gone, but the tears go in my heart where your locked up...for now.