Written it.

I tell myself I'm a big girl, and that I can get threw anything, and get over anyone. But I'm starting to realize just how not true this is about me. I've spent the last year, and some many months, attempting to get over you. To stop thinking about you. To stop making it hurt when I see you. To make it so I know your not the one who was mine, anymore. But lately, you've been popping into my life more then ever since then. And when I'm with you, I can see a glimmer of who I used to love still inside of you. I'm trying to keep you away, because I'm so afraid of that, I know I still love you, and it's killing you. Please can't you go back away? I love having you near, I missed you so much. But know I don't know if I can handle it. Please if you love me, stop showing up in my life, please make it so my chest stops hurting with missing you. I still love you, even if I'd thought I'd stopped loving you. I wonder if I ever could. Anyway this one is an ode to you. I love you, I wish you'd written it down.

I think back now, and I wish you'd written it.

I wish that every message between us, had been physical.
Instead of digital.
I love the digital age, because I know I will never loose all those notes.
I will have them forever, always there when I want them, and even when I don't.
Because I don't have the heart to delete them.
I wish they'd been written though.
Wish I could see the crossed out words, so I could muse about you thinking of what to say.
So I could touch the indents on the paper, and know your hand scrawled across it.
So I could see the stains from my dried tears, and remember the first emotions I had when I first read those words.
So I could have touched it, traced those words over and over, until they were barely legible.
With your handwriting it wouldn't have taken to long.
I wish I could have thrown it back at you.
Told you I don't accept this, and forced you to take it back.
I wish it'd been something physical, so I could trick myself into thinking you loved me.
Instead of this digital copy, which I read so coldly, because it is so detached.
I wish you'd written it, and given it to me.
Maybe then you could have still loved me.

I'm a Mess.

Right now in my life, there is absolutely to much going on. It's all seeming to just come down on me at once. It's this great big pounding force, I feel like I'm trapped in an ocean, and every time I think I've had enough, or I think I'm safe, the ocean kicks back at me, and slams me into the rocks over and over. There is to much going on, I don't know what to say anymore. I don't know what to do or write, every time I try to write it's never right. It's never what I want, and worse, I can't think about one thing long enough to get the emotions, or what I need to say out. Everything all comes out at once, if I open the doors, and try to deal with one thing, the flood overwhelms me, and I'm overcome. I don't know what to do, so I shut the flood gates back, and bottle it all up. And I can feel it everyday, I know that someday it will kill me. Because I can't deal with anything at all. Because it's never one thing. I'm a mess, and a wreck.
Sincerely me.

Why?

I love being museful. It makes my days so much better. But also hurts my hand because I write so much. But I'm to happy about that to complain much. I blame the sun for my sudden burst of muse. So here is Why::

In utter darkness I ask.
I ask. I plead. I beg.
For anything other then this dark.
For something to swallow the dark.
The emptiness.
The hollowness.
The sorrow that comes, and swells filling my chest.
Then fades away with the thoughts there was never any cause for it.
There is no need for the sorrow.
No need for the darkness.
Because the emptiness around me
I was it's creator.
I came from me.
From the feelings inside me.
It was something I had no control over.
There was a bright flash of light.
Then what seems to be everlasting night.
Came to rest.
But not the night.
Just the unsettling darkness.
The stars all fell out of the sky.
And why what I feel my be my dying breath.
I ask.....why?

[Instert clever title here]

Hey to anyone who actually reads this,
I've been writing a lot lately. It seems I've actually started to think in poetry actually. Which is good, but a bit distracting from the task at hand. Anyway I have discovered a new love in the world that I create in my mind, and bring to life with my words written on pages. Slam Poetry. I love it. They beat, and pace, how the words flow together. I don't have anything I like enough to post yet, but I promise I'll do something soon. For now here is something I wrote last week, people around me seemed to like it.

At one time I held it all.
The earth and the sky were met as one within my heart.
The wold spun, and turned, and not only that...it danced.
It danced to a beautiful ballad played on the steams of light left behind by trailing stars. That where shooting across the sky.
A sound like chords being strummed. While the stars all stared in wonder. And the moon joined along, to. Dancing with the earth, to a melody played across space. Something so sweet and soft, that the stars couldn't help but twinkle.

At one time I held it all.
But it soon slipped away, falling threw the cracks in my hands. As if I was trying to stop the motion of time by holding sand. The earth fell off balance and the music stopped. The trails f light disappeared and the moon fell to a dismal stop. The stars started to glow so hot. And in turn I grew so cold. They left, as the vast oceans I had once held. Swallowed me whole, while I fell to the world. The earth slipping away, as the oceans surrounded everything in my sight.

And then I held nothing.
No heat from stars, no music from stars. Touch and feeling all disappeared...no love was around. The oceans they were cold, and their beauty stung like ice. Blue filled my sight, but reminded me of the sights that I had lost when I fell. Deeper I fell into the breathtaking water. Ice, the water grew colder as the beauty grew around me, the beauty of chaos all with their own deadly spikes. Wishes to speak, or scream were never granted. Strikes of incoming anger where gobbled up hungrily by water. Which from the inside out came in and chilled me. Bones first the cold grabbed me and spread throughout my system. Froze me still. Till I was just a heart beat yet to still. Drowned by the waters of my own world and home, strangled when left by the hand. Nothing in me could flourish.

I once held it All.
But one time I did fall.
And at that time I did loose it all.
I have not found a way to climb back up.

End